Give Me Back My Five Bucks a quest for financial independence
Weddings have been on my mind lately. My Facebook timeline has exploded with wedding photos, and I kept seeing people having their wedding photos taken everywhere we went this summer. Plus, I’m going to be in a wedding next year, so I’ve been peeking at wedding boards on Pinterest every now and then. :) But every time I find out another friend is about to walk down the aisle, I start to calculate the costs. I can’t help it. Of course, I’m elated for the couple, and I’m so excited for them… but let’s face it, even if you’re not in the wedding party, weddings are expensive for guests too.
Gift obligations don’t begin and end with just the wedding gift either. There’s the engagement party, bridal shower, and bachelorette party. Then, if you’re in the wedding party, you might have to pay for a dress (plus alterations), shoes, hair, make-up, nails, etc. If it’s a destination wedding, you’ll need to think about flights, accommodation, and meal expenses as well. And at the very end, when you don’t think you can afford to squeeze another penny out of your budget, you realize you need to buy a wedding gift.
You want to give your friends everything they want and deserve, but your budget is tight, and you’re not sure if you can do it. Sound familiar?
Here are three things to keep in mind if you’re facing a similar situation:
How much should I spend?
Generally speaking, the closer you are to the couple, the more you should spend. Popular wedding website TheKnot.com recommends nothing less than $50 per guest, with an average gift from a friend around $70, and the average gift from a family member at $125. For a student, or recent graduate, these amounts might not be possible. In fact, I’ve never spent more than $75 on a wedding gift before, and it’s usually closer to $50 if it’s a destination wedding. I like pooling money together with my significant other, or a friend that is also going to the wedding. That way, we can get something off the registry that we otherwise couldn’t afford to get on our own.
When I was in college, two friends from high school were getting married. They were avid rock climbers, so I went and picked up two carabineers and had them engraved with their names and wedding date. I wrapped them nicely in a box, and wrote a thoughtful message on a card. The whole gift cost around $25 – all that I could afford at the time – but they are still using those carabineers to this day. :)
What if I can’t afford a gift?
Even though a gift is a tradition and expected, it is by no means mandatory. Remember that a wedding invitation is not an invoice, nor should a gift be considered the price of admission to a wedding.
I remember watching Rich Bride, Poor Bride once, and the cost of having each guest there was close to $150 per person. The bride kept insisting that they would be able to “recuperate” the cost of the wedding with gifts from the registry. I had to laugh because she was so serious, and it just sounded like a crazy business transaction. The purpose of having a wedding is not for the bride and groom to receive as many gifts as possible, or to “recuperate” the cost of the wedding, and guests shouldn’t feel obligated to spend $150-200 each to cover the cost of them being there. Because really, if you can’t afford to spend $150 per guest unless you get something back in return, you probably can’t afford the wedding you’re planning.
A few years ago, I read a comment from a bride on a wedding forum that if a guest cannot afford to buy a gift, they shouldn’t go to the wedding at all.
Plan ahead
Invitations are usually sent three to four months before the date of the wedding, and more often than not, you will know the details well beforehand. So don’t wait until the last minute to figure out how you’re going to come up with the money to buy a present. If you have a few weddings coming up, create a budget and see how much you need to tuck away from each pay cheque in order to reach that goal.
And as cheesy as it may sound, your attendance at the wedding is the best gift of all. And whether your present cost $10 or $1,000, a gracious bride and groom will accept it and appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Related: The Bridesmaid Budget
The formal etiquette is that you should send a gift whether you are attending or not. I am sure you would want to give a wedding gift to a good friend if you had to miss the wedding, but I bet that rule is not adhered to when it comes to business associates, friends of friends, etc.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but standard American/English etiquette says that a wedding gift IS required, whether you attend or not. However, standard etiquette says you also have up to a year to give a wedding gift – it doesn’t have to be given the day of the wedding or even the month of the wedding. (So if you start setting aside say $10 a month when you hear about the engagement, you have time to save up for a $100 gift. ;) )
For me, there are 2 occasions where I feel an expensive (i.e. $100+) gift is warranted: graduations (HS and/or college) and weddings. I consider those “life changing” events and worthy of a little bit of a splurge. Now if the couple are on their 4th marriages, I’ll probably send a much smaller gift. ;)
“But every time I find out another friend is about to walk down the aisle, I start to calculate the costs.”
Woah, that sucks that you’re first thought is costs :(
I never said that my first thought was the cost. :) But for me, whenever anything comes up in life, one of the first things I think about is how much it’s going to cost, and how I’m going to budget for it.
Holy cow, this stinks like the whole Debeers “3 months salary” recommendation on how big an engagement ring to buy. What’s the purpose of wedding gifts? For me, the purpose is to help the new couple start their lives together. Get them a bunch of plates or furniture or whatever that they need. However, I have NOT been to a wedding recently where the couple either weren’t each already independent or were already living together. Their lives were already started. As such, I find gift registries and these expectations of fancy plates or blenders to be lame. I go look at the expensive stuff on the list, stuff they probably wouldn’t buy if they had to buy it themselves, and I turn around.
The wedding is a serious event, not requiring a gift but requiring me to witness this couple making the biggest commitment of their lives. Then there is the celebration afterwards. I’m not interested AT ALL in giving a gift that they don’t need. If it’s a couple just getting started then I would give $1000, but if it’s a couple already established then I just give a card with some cash to cover my share of the expenses of the party.
When I went to my first wedding, I asked my mom how much I should spend on a gift-she said to spend what you could afford. Good advice I figure. You can be creative and give a thoughtful gift without spending a lot. A friend of mine embroidered pillow cases for us-I’m sure it didn’t cost a lot of money but a caring gift of time.
It’s a celebration not an obligation, but I always give a gift. It’s still a sore spot for my husband that his best friend and best man did not give us a wedding gift after many promises and not delivering. (For context when my husband was the best man for his friend, he gave a very nice gift and threw the guy a great bachelor party, a gesture his friend did not reciprocate either unfortunately).
I am saddened by people who think they can “recoup” (not recuperate-that show seems to attract the most ignorant people!!) costs of the wedding from gifts. It’s a pretty risky gamble, and one that is somewhat entitled and rather irresponsible-what if it doesn’t work out that way, can you pay the wedding bills?
I love your idea of buying and personalizing the carabineers. I’m getting married next year and can honestly say I’d rather have a personalized present like that which I can really use and treasure as opposed to some nice flatware or frames.
It should come down to personal preferences and not necessarily the ability to pay. In my personal situation my niece invited me, but has treated her parents horribly, forged checks and shoplifted…I couldn’t bring myself to send her anything when she didn’t invite her parents as I felt like a pawn in her temper tantrum.
It is not always just about money either…sometimes sharing a heirloom that has meaning but has little monetary value can be more precious than gold in accepting a virtual sister into your family.
I disagree with “proper etiquette”. I think you should give what you can afford to, without putting yourself in debt just to give someone a wedding gift. My husband is a student and we don’t make a ton of money between us right now, so a wedding we attended this summer we bought the couple a $50 giftcard for a romantic night out. They already lived together for quite awhile, so there wasn’t a whole lot else they needed. I was also recently in a wedding and I bought them some items for their home that were on sale that I knew they could use, and spent about $50.
I absolutely hate the old suggested advice of you should cover the cost of your plate for yourself and your guest. First of all, how is a guest suppose to know this? And second of all, why should the guests have to “cover the cost” of their plate? If a bride & groom can’t afford to have a 5 course meal and open bar, then they should scale down and plan a wedding that THEY can afford.
I definitely agree with you. If the bride and groom want a fancy location for their reception, an expensive meal, and an open bar, the cost shouldn’t be put on the shoulders of their guests.
@Ashley: I’m not sure what you mean by “disagreeing with proper etiquette”. Proper etiquette doesn’t have any requirement of how much you spent. Proper etiquette only says that if you’re invited to a wedding, you need to give a gift. No etiquette says you need to cover the cost of your plate, or give a certain amount or anything of that nature.
Most of my friends are about the same age I am 20-21 years old but I assume is a few years this is going to be a relavent topic in my life. I feel like people should not expect lavish presents from college students or people who just graduated. Of course you should try and buy a gift but if you cannot afford one, just don’t.
Yes, I feel the same way. When I was still in school, I had a few weddings to attend, and I could barely afford the gas to get there, let alone buy them a gift! Luckily I was able to pool my money with someone else, and we bought them something small off their registry.
This actually just happened to me a week ago today. ;o) I flew back home to Alaska for my friends’ wedding and they left this past Monday for a three week honeymoon. I’m currently house-sitting their three cats and it’s my gift to them, as I don’t have steady work and am currently saving for a bunch of travel! They’re also paying me a bit, so I don’t know if it’s really a gift or not, but that at least helps offset my plane ticket and mad it less of a hardship for me to come up here!
I think it totally depends on what that person’s relation is to you, and how much he really wants. For example, I’d spend more on a gift for someone who’s closer to me. Also, some really close friends and family don’t like expensive gifts, so it’s totally up to them.
I’m definitely of the “spend what you can afford” camp. I try not to subscribe to any rules of thumb, but just give what I feel is appropriate and what I can offer comfortably. In the past this has been between $50 and $75.
A few weeks ago, though, I went to a wedding that I had to travel to. Aside from the increased cost of getting there, I’ve also just gone back to school, so writing even a $50 cheque wasn’t in the cards. Instead I got them a nice framed print with their names and the wedding date on it. Just a nice little thing that I could afford at the time. It’s not that I like them less than the friends I’ve given money too, but circumstances change. If they’d gotten married a year ago, they’d have gotten cash!
I generally spend about $100, either on something from the registry or a gift card.
I recently went to a wedding where in addition to my $100 gift card, I pitched in money with friends for another gift card and a bottle of wine. They were only giving $20 a piece. I thought that was rather low.
If the bride and groom are spending $50 a plate, I can do at least that.
I am maid of honour in my best friend’s wedding in January. When I found out that a bunch of unexpected costs had come up for them I offered to make their invitations as a gift to them. Not only does it save them a lot of money, I am an avid scrapbooker and am able to give them a personalized and creative invite. Seeing as how I’ll also be buying the dress (and hair and makeup etc) and travelling to the wedding this is a win-win for both of us. However, I plan on framing a spare invitation for them and giving it at the wedding as a small gift.
This is going to sound horrible but I calculate cost by if it’s a Chinese wedding or not. Gifts for Chinese weddings usually is about $100-$150 while Western weddings at $75. Usually if they have a gift registry though, I try to buy anything at the $50-$100 price point.
I would double the numbers from Theknot.com, but this depends where you live, your culture, your circle of friends, etc. That being said, a personalized gift is definitely the way to go if you don’t have a lot of money. I did not come close to recuperating my wedding costs which I would est at $150 per person but I never expected to! A couple gave us $25 for a wedding present, I think it would have been better in that case to give an actual gift – maybe an interesting photo frame or something. You can always afford something even if it’s your time. You can also give a service like editing and adding affects or something to a wedding video, doing their thank you cards or invitations, providing photos but only if you are good at these things though! :)
Agreed! Even people on the tightest budgets can get creative and create a memorable gift, or help out in another way – organizing thank you cards like you mentioned, or helping out on the wedding day if needed.
I had the same problem last weekend. My best mate was getting married and they knew I didn’t have a lot of money so instead I gave my time.
For the honeymoon they went to the coast and took their dog and children. Problem was their car wasn’t big enough.
I drove down their too. They could fit all their stuff in my car as well as theirs. Its saved them hundreds in car rental and only cost myself £20 in fuel and a day of time.
They were unbelievably grateful so in the end I was happy with my present.
I’m Chinese so I will only give and accept money. :P
I think at least $100 a head is good (and more for good friends) because that’s how much it costs for a seat at a traditional Chinese banquet. I don’t believe the $100 is required but it’s just courtesy.
Krystal, I agree with you that a bride and groom who choose to have a very formal, fancy wedding should not expect to have their guests cover the costs of their plates.
HOWEVER, it is ridiculous to perpetuate the idea that it is alright to attend a wedding without bringing a gift. Yes, the couple getting married should not expect gifts, but guests should ALWAYS bring a gift, and give generously based on their own circumstances.
People who are well-off financially are often those who gripe the most about giving a gift, or they make their gift contingent on the couple’s circumstances. That suggests that you’re a cheap, miserable person who can’t be happy for others.
As a general rule, if you can afford to give $100.00 per guest (NOT per couple, per person), then you should do it.
Weddings are emotionally charged events and there is an enormous amount of pressure on the bride and groom to ensure everything goes smoothly, and that all guests have a wonderful time. Most couples who get married want this for their guests. Giving a gift to help a couple celebrate their day is important, and shouldn’t be overlooked.
All of this wedding rig-a-ma-role is the reason my BF and I plan to have a very low-cost wedding celebration with an invite that requests “no gifts please”! I want my family and friends there to celebrate us starting our married life together, not to buy me a ton of crap I don’t need or to feel stressed out or obligated to give me money! Their presence will be the only gift I need :)
The attitudes I have heard towards wedding gift giving from friends and acquaintances turned me off from receiving gifts at our wedding.
We decided to not accept gifts at our small intimate wedding and instead focused on our guests being in our lives as their gift to us.
We knew that people would still want to give us something so we accepted donations to a charity or a small contribution to our honeymoon. Another reason why we didn’t want to accept gifts were that we are much better off than most of our friends and family and we couldn’t take their hard earned money. On top of that, we live in a tiny condo and didn’t want more stuff.
My best friend thanked us for not having to shell out an expensive gift when they were not in a position to give generously. Overall it was a success and another friend has adopted this same gift model.
I generally give about $100 or $120. Usually cash or something off their registry.
Only a few times have I given about $150 or more.
Teaming up with other friends or family members that are attending the wedding can help. Recently, a bunch of us bought two friends who were getting married a gift certificate to have a chef come into their home and give them a private cooking lesson. We also got them some nice wine. It was a pricey gift, but since a bunch of us chipped in, it brought the cost down a little and it was a unique experiential gift rather than just another set of wine glasses!
I’m currently dealing with this situation right now. I’ve been invited to a wedding and a wedding shower that are both out of town. The couple have been living together yet their registry has a ton of expensive items on it. I will more then likely not be going to the shower and going to the wedding and only staying for the ceremony and dinner then leaving. The ceremony starts at 5pm, so I figure if I leave by 9 or 10 I will make it home by midnight. Sadly thou, I wont be able to give anymore then $100. This is the 4th wedding that I have before the end of the year.