Guest Post: How I deal with peer pressure spending
NOTE: This is a guest post by my good friend, the wonderful and sassy Money Rabbit. :) She is a young 20-something professional living in Toronto. You can also find her on Twitter @TheMoneyRabbit.
The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines an Enabler as:
“One that enables another to achieve an end; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior.”
Relationships, both friendly and intimate, form crucial foundations of happiness and success. Your friends are there to support you in your most dire hour, provide a shoulder to lean on, or make you laugh until you cry.
Unfortunately, friendships can also come at a greater cost, in that they often will sabotage your efforts to improve your personal finances by enabling your worst spending demons.
As a twenty-something living on my own in glitzy Toronto (currently duking it out with Vancouver as the country’s most expensive city to live in), it is all too easy to use outings with friends as an excuse to enable my bad spending behaviour. For example, this summer I went to a birthday dinner at a shmancy restaurant with a bunch of new friends, mostly investment bankers and DINKs (that’s Dual Income No Kids, folks). More specifically, it was my boyfriend’s birthday dinner, and I wanted to be there and share the experience with him. But as soon as I heard the name of the restaurant, I knew that it completely out of my league. I still decided to go. For four hours, I wined and dined amidst crisp white linens and (several) bottles of imported wine. It was easily one of the best dinners I’ve ever had in my whole life, simply divine.
The tab came to $165. Each.
Since it was my boyfriend’s birthday, his best friend (another banker) covered his dinner, while the rest of us went Dutch. I knew prior to accepting that it was beyond my means. I knew that I’d have to dip into my savings account to cover it. But I wanted to belong, and feel like a full-fledged member of the group, even though they all make at least 3 times more than I do (fact.) So that night, though I handed over my Visa card with a careless flick of the wrist, inside I was panicking. “Oh God, oh God, oh God…”
My example may be a little extreme, but the point that I want to illustrate is that peer pressure is still alive and well, whether intentional or not. How often have we spent beyond our means because we don’t want to be left out? During university, dining out and coffee dates formed a gaping wound in my personal finances that oozed steadily, while I blissfully ignored it. As I’ve grown older, the temptations have changed, but some remain omnipresent (coffee dates and buying lunch at work are the worst for me).
Still, it’s an all too common occurrence that a friend or loved one will invite me on a daytrip or dinner, and I will give my regrets with honesty: I can’t afford it. Usually, it’s end of discussion. I was invited to go to Canada’s Wonderland this weekend, but I had to turn it down since it would blow my budget. No questions were asked. Another time, a friend tried to pressure me into buying a Groupon with her for a martini-manicure, and when I declined based on lack of funds, she protested repeatedly “What?! It’s only $18!!!” If only she knew how frustrated I was to hear her response; I felt judged and inadequate for not indulging myself. But I stuck to my guns. No martinis and manicures for me.
As of late, certain friends have been pretty good as anti-enablers. Many in my circle vastly prefer potlucks and home-hosted gatherings as opposed to meeting out for dinner, which generates a stronger sense of community anyways. We did an awesome trip this spring where we biked from Toronto to Niagara Falls in a day (14 hours) and split the hotel, $30/night. All in, that trip cost under $200 for three days and two nights, and we also were able to chaulk it up as an incredible life experience. These kinds of opportunities to do inexpensive and memorable day trips are everywhere; have bike, will travel. Another option for an outing is a cozy autumn picnic in the park with a thermos of hot chocolate and a good book; it will definitely make it onto your list of favourite fall memories.
So I’ll be continuing to turn down friendly dinner dates and day trips of a certain ilk. The relationships in my life may sustain me on a social level, but what really ensures that I sleep at night is my knowledge that I am living within my means. I may not lead an expensive life, but I actively strive to make sure that it’s exciting, satisfying, and fun … as it should be!
24 Responses to “Guest Post: How I deal with peer pressure spending”
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I can relate to this. Each year my family attends a family reunion at great expense, and it is the only vacation we can afford for the year. Recently, members of the family have been organizing activities during the reunion, for those who want to attend. It would be “only” an extra $40 per person to go jet skiing or play paintball! We have consistently declined, and stayed back at the hotel with the few (usually older folks) who don’t wish to participate. The peer pressure is enormous!
So true! And then if you don’t participate, you’ll miss out on experiences and bonding time. That happens to me sometimes when I travel with friends. It’s so hard to balance stuff like that.
I love being able to spend time with my friends and family and often that means going out for dinner. I want to build relationships and go for that reason. To balance it out my husband and I love to cook so we try to invite people over so our eating out budget doesn’t go sky high.
I have also often found myself in the same boat, and usually my friends are great about it. Many of them are in the same position. My BF is understanding too which makes it a lot easier. But at first it was very hard to say no.
ShoeGal´s latest post —> lets talk {money}
It’s great when you have a partner who understands your situation. It provides a good support system when your BF and friends are on board! :)
[...] my Five Bucks shared a great guest post by Money Rabbit. The article deals with how she deals with peer pressure spending.If you are feeling the pressure to spend, you are not alone, and from this post you can see how to [...]
Oh yes, casual coffee dates and dinner outings followed by going to a bar is always expensive. But don’t forget about friends who invite you to run to the mall with them! I usually see something I want to buy at the checkout or, since we’re at the mall anyways, I want to stop at my favorite store. Don’t forget about the casual lunch too! It’s all too much.
Kat
Kat Skull´s latest post —> Happy Friday! [Things I Want]
It’s great that you try to limit your spending in this way and you should because too many luxuries can easily ruin you financially. Like you said, there are lots of fun ways to live your life and alternative experiences that are just as fun.
Personally, I like to eat out, I like to travel, and I like to go places that cost money so I just find ways to do all of that for cheaper by using coupons and doing things to get 90% of the experience for half the price or less.
For instance, I don’t drink alcohol at all and have never smoked. I can’t possibly imagine how much money that has saved me over the years both at home and when going out. I do my best to never buy drinks when I am out but drink water instead. I used buy one get one free coupons when dining out and only eat the main course (you save more than 50% that way and it often costs about as much as fast food).
When traveling I use points, coupon books, internet specials, free events, Priceline, and other money saving techniques. Then, with all the savings I get I’ll do a few exotic things like the $200 meal at a top end restaurant or the helicopter ride. Those are the real experiences that are worth paying for every now and then and they all of a sudden become affordable when all the regular stuff costs so much less!
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This all seems a little much. What’s life without doing things with friends?
I get the basic argument, that these things add up, and what not, but when your friend asks you to do something for $18 and you say you can’t afford it, what you’re really saying is that you don’t want to do it, at that cost. There’s surely something you’d be willing to do for $18, it’s not that you don’t have $18, it’s that you choose to not spend $18 on a martini-manicure.
I think always saying “I can’t afford it” can get annoying for your friends, especically since they’ll know you do things sometimes. Sure, cost is a factor, but when is it not?
Why not just be honest, and say you don’t want to?
Geoffrey Hall´s latest post —> Rules without Reason
Sometimes, it comes down to actually not being able to afford to do the things that your friends want to do. I remember a few years ago, I didn’t even have enough money (in cash or credit) to put $5 worth of gas in my car. So when friends asked if I wanted to go for a drink, or go to the movies, it’s not that I didn’t want to, or that I had other things to spend my money on, it’s that I literally could not afford to go.
For a long, long time, my budget was really restrictive. Aside from paying my bills, I had no wiggle room to do anything, and even a couple of $10 purchases could put me in the red. I got into some serious debt because of it, so I totally relate to this article.
I can definitely understand that, but the post opens with spending $165 on dinner, which led me to believe we are talking about decisions, not absolutes. I just think it’s important not to go overboard.
Geoffrey Hall´s latest post —> Rules without Reason
So that night, though I handed over my Visa card with a careless flick of the wrist, inside I was panicking. “Oh God, oh God, oh God…”
LOL I know all too well how that goes.
Great decision! I admire your tenacity and discipline to decline the all-too powerful pressure from peers and friends. I don’t think you will be judged by being honest about your financial limitations. But granted some of them did, it won’t be your problem, what matters is you have the capability to stick to your guns.
Amy Turner @ Credit Donkey´s latest post —> How Alcohol Affects Student Credit Card Debt and Grades
Some of my friends (who complain to me about the credit debt they can’t clear) organize costly events because they think its what people “our age” are expected to do for fun. I often suggest cheaper alternatives and sometimes my ideas are accepted but often, I’m told I need to “live a little”. :S Its sooo frustrating to be invited to events that I personally know most of the attendees can’t afford either and then be chided for declining for budgetary reasons. Luckily that’s only one group of my friends…my restrictions are better respected by the friends who have also recently purchased homes or who have kids.
Ugh I hate that! As a poor grad student lots of my student friends are not paying for their education, their parents are. I may be a little bitter lol.
My husband and I struggle so much with this. The majority of our friends have no kids and have high incomes. The ones who do have kids have very high incomes. We have kids and low incomes. Our current debt is, in large part, due to our attempt to keep up. We are now learning to say no when we cannot afford the outing.
Stephanie´s latest post —> The first day of Kindergarten and a Pinterest Project
Most of my friends (and I) have high incomes and no kids. Just because I have high income doesn’t mean that I spend willy nilly. My spending habits are sometimes different from my friends because I place importance on different things. I’ve learned that I can’t say “I can’t afford it” because then people will try to tell me I’m lying and I’ve started instead saying “I’m not interested – why don’t we make dinner at my place and watch a Netflix movie?”
Leigh´s latest post —> Adventures in Investing, Part 1: University Days
I can totally relate. I can’t say “I can’t afford it” either, because most of the time, I can. But like you, I sometimes value different things than my friends, and I have a monthly budget to stick to. I think it’s especially hard writing this blog, because I’m so open about my money and how much I make!
Great article peer pressure and this idea that you have to keep up with the joneses (damn those joneses) pretty much destroyed my finances when I was younger. One needs to live life but one should not have to dig into savings or donate 19%+ interest to credit card companies to do it.
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Wow, I was so glad to read this! Most of my friends are great about understanding that I need to be careful with my money, but I actually eventually lost one friend after I couldn’t take her criticisms anymore. She’s in Toronto on
Daddy’s Dime, and can’t understand why I don’t want to get a manicure with her, go to the bar or dinner after work, go shopping, go on a trip etc. etc.
She even went so far as to mock me for walking to work to save on bus fare, and asking me “where is all your money going, anyway?”.
Are men as hard on each other about this as women are?
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I think that’s a really interesting question! I wonder if men are under the same pressure as women when it comes to money. I might take this question to Twitter and then write a post about it.
I think it would make a great article! I think the pressure is definitely still there, but is probably different. Men probably save thousands through the mere fact that they don’t shop in packs.
Kate B´s latest post —> YouTube of the Week!
The $18 would have covered my internet bill for the month so I completely understand this point of view. You have to sacrifice some of the smaller things in order to cover or save for other things. I moved out on my own at the age of 18 and paid all bills, plus rent, on a minimum wage paying job…. it was ramen noodles for me nearly every day, so I can see how $18 can put you in the red.
I think this kind of peer pressure is distinct from – and harder to resist than – “keeping up with the Jones.” When you are invided to EXPERIENCE something with a person or a group, it’s so tempting to accept regardless of the cost – especially in our increasingly isolated modern lives. I’m not nearly as tempted to buy the latest gadget or designer dress as I am to accept every trip and dinner and charity party and entertainment invitation I receive. After all, I’m supposed to be developing a network of professional contacts, finding my future husband, making lifelong friends…so sometimes I prioritize those social bonds (or the chance I’ll create them) over sticking to my budget. But I keep my housing and transportation costs super low in order to afford to do so.
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