Being financially independent

Emmy wrote:

I just get so tired of people my age whose parents still pay their way when they go on trips for family vacations, or their families still help pay for clothes, home furnishings, down payment on a house, etc. I think even if you do not have a high income, if you are in your mid-20s and out of college, your parents should not pay for things for you anymore. I love taking my parents out for dinner, they’ve supported me for so long and I like treating them or at least splitting the check. And I would never expect huge gifts or money from them anymore even thought they have given these to me in the past – my parents do well financially, but they still have retirement to pay for.

I guess from your posts, I get the feeling that as you say, you are treated very much like a “child” in your family, still getting money gifts and other gifts from your parents. At what age do you expect this to stop, until you get married and have children? It seems like from your plans that this will be a while.

I would love for you to prove me wrong with a longer post about this topic.

I don’t really know how to start my reply to this comment.

First, I want to say that I am so grateful for what my parents have given me. When I was going to college, I was allowed to live with them rent-free. And while I was getting out of debt, they allowed me to continue living with them for a very reduced rent. That helped me so much, because if I had to pay the rent that I’m paying now, I might have been in debt another year or more.

My parents have worked hard to show me the value of being responsible and earning my way through life. They didn’t give me any money for college. I worked hard for years and got a full athletic scholarship by myself (which was time consuming and expensive). Then when I came home, I took out student loans and paid for my entire education. Of course, I was lucky enough to live with them while I was in school, but as soon as I finished school I started to pay rent to them.

They have never bought me a car, paid for my groceries, paid for my books, loaned me any money, bought me any big ticket item, or given me anything of significant value (I did get a gold ring from my mom as a graduation present though, a family heirloom). They’ve never paid for any home furnishings, or helped with any of my moving expenses – I’ve never asked and they’ve never offered. I’ve never even raided my parents house for food, or taken my laundry to do it at home. And they certainly don’t pay for my travel expenses to come home.

Even when I was out of a job for over 2 months before I moved to Vancouver, I didn’t get any hand outs from them. I still paid my rent to them, and I still bought my own groceries, paid my own bills, and got through it on my own.

I have worked so hard to earn everything myself. I’ve had a job since I was 15 – I don’t receive random money from my parents, and I also don’t receive gifts from them (besides Christmas and my birthday). If I want something, I have to save up for it and pay for it myself. Because that’s what my parents have taught me to do. You don’t get handed anything in this family.

When I’m out for lunch with my mom or my sister, sure I’ll pick up the bill. I don’t mind treating either of them to a meal because I know they’d do the same for me. But when it comes to family dinners and functions, it is tradition in our family that the “children” (anyone who isn’t married and with kids – regardless of age) do not pay. I don’t know if it’s a Chinese thing, or just with our family, but that’s the way that it’s been. And by trying to pay for the meal – or even contribute – would be considered a huge insult.

Also, Emmy made another comment:

I was going through some of your old posts to see if I could find examples of why I get the feeling that you and BF depend too much on your family for extras, like trips, and came across this post. You say BF makes such a good salary, then why would you or him think about accepting this from his parents!?! I know getting something for free seems so great, but if you and BF really want to fly then you should pay for it yourselves. And if you just don’t want to spend the money, then you should drive there. There is no reason for you and BF, at your ages and salaries, to have his parents pay for your trips anymore. This is part of being financially responsible and independent.

Yes, BF’s parents offered to fly us out to see them. We aren’t depending on them to fly us out there, they offered. We would only be able to take a 3-day weekend, and it’s at least a 10 hr. drive each way (and the drive is pretty sketchy in the winter). We were going to drive out there, but his parents really wanted a longer visit than usual. He didn’t get to see some of his family for Christmas, so instead of spending more time driving there than actually being there, his parents have offered to pay for a flight. It’s not that we couldn’t afford it (we can, obviously), but sometimes it’s okay to accept a gift if it’s being offered to you. It doesn’t make you any less financially responsible or less independent. It just is what it is.

I feel a little surprised, and kind of attacked by these comments. I always thought (and I still think) that I am quite financially independent. Accepting a gift from BF’s parents, and getting occasional meals from my family when I’m in town does not mean I’m depending on other people. And it doesn’t mean that I’m not financially responsible either.